Comedy Classics!!

[SLVRSR4]

Not really a game, but a way for everyone to share laughter with one another. We all take turns sending back and forth great one-liners and short comedy bits. I'll start us off with one from the late-great Mitch Hedberg:

"My apartment was infested with Koala Bears...It was the CUTEST infestation ever!"

[Enchantress]

"Chocolate cake, for breakfast?...wait..There's eggs in chocolate cake! and milk!...Dad is great...gave us the chocolate cake!" Bill Cosby.

"What the f&#^ is agoonygoogoo?" Eddie Murphy


"If I could be a superhero
Would you be justice guy?
Making sure people get what they deserve
Especially women who lie

Like if a wife left her husband with three kids and no job
To run off to f*$&^ Hawaii with some doctor named Bob
You could skin them and drain them of blood so they die (especially Bob)
Then you would be justice guy

Or you could be more subtle
No I didn’t mean to be vague
Give her the mad cow disease
Let him die of the plague
As long as they suffer for their terrible lie (especially Bob)
Then you would be Justice Guy
Yes then you would be a superhero like me"
Stephen Lynch-Superhero


"Sometimes I just throw a potato in the oven, cause who knows?" Mitch Hedberg on the length of time it takes to make baked potatos.

[The Mighty Thor]

"I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet and reminded myself, 'What Would Jesus Do?' So I lit the guy on fire and sent him to Hell." - Daniel Tosh

"My teeth have so much tartar, I don't have to dunk my fishsticks in $#!*" - Mitch Hedberg

[SLVRSR4]

"Have you ever blacked out while drinking...or as I like to call it, TIME TRAVEL? You're drinking, you're in a bar, you black out. You're drinking, you're in a bar, you black out. You're drinking, you wake up, you're working at the McDonalds for 5 years and still haven't made assistant manager yet! You want to quit, but you're @#!#! the girl on the fryilator. They say she's retarded, but those @#!@# ain't retarded!" -Dave Attel


"You ever notice there aren't a lot of Chinese guys named RUSTY?" -George Carlin

[Local Hero]

Two guys are talking and one says to the other: "What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes time?" The other one says, "I'd sh*g everything that moved...What would you do?" And he says, "I'd stand perfectly still." - Billy Connolly

Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough? Whid ye like some mare o' the same?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the testicles be out of the question???' - Billy Connolly

[The Mighty Thor]

"You don't need the key to success when you know how to pick the lock." - Jack Freeman, success guru (aka Drew Hastings)

"I can show you how to make a $1000 a week at home Stuffing Envelopes! Sure, you’re stuffing them with heroin... but you’ll be your own boss AND have more time to spend with your kids!" - Jack Freeman

[DarkKnight430]

"I've got a cure for hunger in Ethiopia. Want to know what it is? Move to where the %$^&ing food is!!!! You're living in a f#@#ing desert for God's sake!!!!! - Sam Kenison

[SLVRSR4]

"Have you heard about the new hotpockets? They're called LEAN POCKETS. Yep, half the fat, ALLLLL the diarrhea." -Jim Gaffigan

"I've never felt good about the decision to eat a hot pocket. I've never been like, I'M GLAD I ATE THAT! It's alway more like, I'M GONNA DIE! MY BACK HURTS! DID I JUST EAT THAT, OR DID I RUB IT ON MY FACE?" -Jim Gaffigan